At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
