too bad you live with your parents still
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
