guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
