On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
