hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
