i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
being pregnant is like rehab
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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