9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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