Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
