I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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