I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
