his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
