Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
