i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize