We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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