So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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