my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
