You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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