I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
