I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
