He had one of those small greek statue penises
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
