He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
