Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
