This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
