I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
