I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you never un-have a 4some
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
