We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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