you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
barbara walters just said penis...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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