I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
