There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
