there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
