I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think I have vodka in my lungs
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
