I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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