the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
