The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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