Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
