dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
