birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
