my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
