i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
