True but thats because hes a fetus.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
