I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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