The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
