i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
