Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
