Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
