I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My vagina is officially offended.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wear drunk well.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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