someone owes me an orgasm
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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