My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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