There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
