fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
