He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
