you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize