She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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