I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
