my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
