Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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