so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
