it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
