you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
