i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
