Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize